Hard Pore Corn

It all started when I sauntered into Garuda mall on Monday night. Was just passing by Inox when I randomly thought of booking tickets for a movie. So I called up a friend of mine and ask her if she wants to go on Thursday. She says, “Neal n Nikki would be fine” Should have seen it coming. She’s been ogling at posters for of the said movie for quite some time. So I walk up to the man and proudly emerge, from the ticket window, a proud owner of two tickets to the latest Yashraj flick.
The movie begins with a shriek when Uday Chopra shouts “Hike, hike, hike” and simultaneously begins narrating his surprisingly short saga, a tale about his forebears landing their combined ass in Canada, as the camera pans and scans over the scenic countryside.
As the movie proceeds Chopra turns out to be more than just the monkey that he looks in his previous movies. Here he has successfully portrayed a monkey that’s high on hormones and has popped in a few blue pills for good measure. Had it been a suave actor in his stead I would have called him a womanizer, but the look on his face when a lithe Tanisha prances around him in Halla Re, is that of a kid let loose in a candy store! He tries in vain to grope the lass by her various body parts. Somehow she manages to impress him enough to have him dash back to meet her while some nakkie woman is inviting him to join her in the lake. Bah….errors errors everywhere, and the director expects me to believe this guy is a womanizer!!!!
The snooty and extremely irritating Nikki Bakshi, played by Tanisha, snubs jobs as if she’s some crabby aunty refusing to buy from the local green grocer unless he gave her plump, red tomatoes. The director tries to make up for her annoying traits by making her the only bratty kid of rich parents blah blah, but it’s all put across so vaguely that it all feels fake. And then miraculously she ends up ruining poor I’m-getting-married-and-desperately-need-to-screw-an-urban-gal Chopra’s plans in Vancouver. The producer must have been happy with her attitude. What with her agreeing to plods around the streets in push-up bras and school kid clothes, the expenditure on clothing must have been even lesser compared to any Mallika Sherawat flick. I thought they cut corners in financing a movie. Here I guess they cut the entire bolt of clothing. The proud seamless (har har) girl has proudly erased all doubts about her acting talent (or the lack of it) with ample exposure of her “that part of the body below the neck and above the abdomen”.
There’s an apparent dearth of editing in the screenplay and script and the flow of the movie takes a beating due to this. It’s funny how there is no mention of Gurneal ‘Neal’ Ahluwalia’s horniness in the first few scenes where he’s staying with the parents. Then all of a sudden one song is supposed to explain it all. How he has been having wet dreams since he was born, how he fantasized about an Algebra teacher (is it that common?), how he was the heart-throb of all girls in school and how he dreams of doing “it” with someone… soon!
The make-up artist seemed to be displeased with apna Uday “I am the one and only Mr. Dharavi” Chopra. I haven’t seen such magnitudes of lipstick (that too brown) on a male actor other than Kannada movies. The actress seems to have been covered up well (only on the cosmetics front) except for that fact that the wrinkles around her eyes compare easily to moon craters. I highly recommend the scene where the two are battling it out ekdum junior KG ishtyle whether Neal had employed the services of a prostitute to lose his virginity. Chopra looks like an extra from Planet of the Apes in this particular scene.
Gaurav Gera, aka Happy Singh (aka Nandu from Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi) refuses to let go of his Mandolin/Guitar/Ektara (he uses only one string) throughout the movie. His expressionless face indicates a repressed childhood or apparent lack of protien and sugar in his diet. Everytime there is a mention of the name Sweety (Richa Pallod) he promptly breaks into a panjabi number praising her beauty. He does some really funny half-squats-on-the-spot in the dance (which actually makes him look as if a needle pricked him half on his way to the crapper) for Neal’s “bachelor party at the barn”. Wonder where his father keeps his prized horses when the bachelors are high on hormones, ROTFLMAO.
Coming to the most important part of the movie. The story. There’s none. For more expert comments on this please see Taran Adarsh’s review. This movie is strictly a no-no for you serious movie watchers!!! With every other female stripping down to her bare essentials (in some cases even more) this would easily classify as soft porn. A woman strolls into a Starbucks, takes off her trenchcoat revealing her body wrapped in a red saree, orders a coffee, pulls up a chair next to the “oh-I-am-so-sweaty-that-my-tee-shirt-shrank-and-vanished” Neal, and writes her phone number on the topless (sports jackets do not qualify) male’s chest. And voila, our hero has a date. “Oh he’s so smooth!” *starry eyed expression*
Mr. Director Sir, are you trying to prove that the Chopra dude is irresistable since a woman drops her clothes and unzips him in public? So what if it was only his jacket, our hero seemed quite pleased, eh? Or was it the weight of the bird perched on his lap that evoked such squirmy expressions from his rather pedestrian face? All in all the movie is full of such gaffes and directorial blunders. Badly handled screenplay and horribly selected star cast. Dudes n dudettes. Stay away from this movie, except for Happy Singh. I’m still rolling on the floor with memories of his “I-have-a-light-saber-up-my-ass” expression. Do watch it with someone who you want to start hating Bollywood flicks.